We humans like to believe we’re in charge. We pay the bills, buy the food, and, most importantly, operate the can opener. Surely that places us firmly at the top of the household hierarchy.
And yet.
If you share your home with a cat, you may have noticed that daily life operates according to a set of rules you don’t remember agreeing to. Somewhere between the 5 a.m. wake-up call and surrendering half your furniture, the balance of power may have shifted.
So let’s examine the evidence.
No clipboards. No judgement. Just a simple scorecard.
After each scenario, ask yourself who’s really in control and award the point accordingly.
1. Sleeping Arrangements
You may have purchased the bed, selected the mattress, and carefully fluffed the pillows. However, by morning you are clinging to the edge while your cat lies stretched diagonally across the center like a medieval lord surveying their lands.
You consider moving her.
You do not move her.
Does this sound familiar? One point to your cat.
If not, congratulations – one point to you (and would you like to teach a seminar?).
2. Mealtimes
Your cat is fed at 7:00 a.m. every day.
At 6:37 a.m., they appear inches from your face, staring intensely.
At 6:42, they escalate to gentle paw taps.
By 6:45, they are singing the Song of Their People, as though they haven’t eaten since last winter.
You check the clock.
You sigh.
You get up early.
If this happens regularly: one point to your cat.
If you stick to the schedule no matter the protest: one point to you (and your nerves of steel).
3. Furniture Ownership
You bought the sofa. Your cat owns the sofa.
You bought a cat bed. Your cat prefers the cardboard box it came in. Or your laptop. Or your clean laundry.
And you sit where space has been “allowed.”
Sound about right?
That’s another point for your cat.
If your cat consistently uses what you bought for them, clearly you’re living in an alternate universe. Two points to your cat. (She wants you to think exactly that.)
4. Bathroom Privacy
You close the bathroom door.
Your cat finds this suspicious.
He cries. He paws. He then inserts his paws under the door like a tiny burglar looking for the latch.
If allowed in, he’ll even stare up at you as though you’re the strange one in this situation.
Privacy is clearly a shared concept. Shared by the cat.
If the bathroom is a team activity: one point to your cat.
If you can shower (or do anything else in the bathroom) alone in peace: one point to you (and enjoy it – there won’t be many more).
5. Work-from-Home “Assistance”
You sit down to work. Your cat immediately decides it’s the perfect time to:
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- Walk across the keyboard
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- Sit directly on the paperwork
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- Demand affection with the urgency of a breaking news event
Deadlines mean nothing to them. They are your priority now.
Does your cat manage your schedule? Point to your cat.
If you finish tasks uninterrupted give yourself a well-earned point (and wow!).
6. House Rules
You say, “Don’t jump on the counter.”
Your cat waits until you’re watching… and jumps on the counter.
Eye contact is maintained.
If rules like these appear to be more like suggestions: this point goes to your cat.
If your cat respects boundaries: one point to you (and please double-check this isn’t a dream).
7. The Welcome Home Committee
You return home after a long day. Your cat greets you… by yelling.
Not because they missed you.
Because dinner is late.
Your presence is acknowledged only insofar as it affects their routine.
If your value is measured in food delivery: point to your cat.
If your cat greets you with affection before checking the bowl: one point to you.
8. Decision-Making Power
You rearrange furniture. Your cat disapproves.
You buy a new rug. Your cat immediately sheds on it, vomits on it, or both, clearly marking it as unacceptable.
Final approval always comes from one authority.
If your cat has veto power: I hate to say it, that’s another one for your cat.
If not…fine. Give yourself the point. I’m a little suspicious, but we’ll circle back to this.
9. A Tie-Breaker (…if you really need one)
You’ve just settled onto your favourite couch with a cuppa (tea, coffee, wine…hey, it’s your scenario). Naturally, Fluffy – or Fluffy and Max – have claimed their rightful places on your lap and legs. All is calm. All is cozy. World peace has been achieved.
Then the phone rings.
Of course, you left it on the kitchen counter.
Do you glance longingly toward the kitchen, then remain perfectly still? After all, everyone is comfortable now, and who are you to disturb the delicate balance of the universe?
Or do you make a daring escape from your self-imposed prison, because deep down you know this call might actually be important?
If you stay put (short of World War III breaking out): one point to your cat.
If you disturb the peace: oh my. You’re cold. But give yourself a point for your determination!
Final Score: Be Honest Now
Your Cat Has More Points: If your cat scored more points than you, congratulations! You live under benevolent feline rule.
You may continue to believe you’re in charge, and by all means, feel free to (provided meals are on time and doors are opened promptly).
You Have More Points: If you somehow won…your cat is likely allowing this illusion for now.
But I’ll be honest: I’m a bit worried about your grasp on reality.
(You sure you’re gonna be okay? Wink twice if you want me to call EMS or your shrink.)
Either way, remember: cats don’t need crowns to rule. They have confidence, attitude, and an uncanny ability to make humans rearrange their lives willingly.
And honestly?
We wouldn’t have it any other way.